Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A frank letter to ungrateful, godless and parent blaming children.



Dear Parent Blamer,

Firstly let me say, stop it. It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.

To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behavior on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU and your will to commit your live to Christ. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviors and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion.

Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club.

We also get that your old man was periodically a completely insensitive and uncommunicative at times. Sadly, that’s what (many) fathers do. And yep, we know that your mother was a selfish cow that time when you were in the eighth (and ninth and tenth) grade; it happens.

Okay, let’s be honest and blunt… some parents are crap. And yes, many of us have been hurt – physically, emotionally and/or psychologically – by our parents. I am not suggesting that you deny your past, but I am suggesting that you don’t live there. It’ll kill you. In ten different ways. Some people have been inhabiting the seventies and eighties and re-visiting their childhood for the last few decades.

No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger and resentment, I’m telling you (1) it serves no positive purpose (2) it will hurt you more than them (3) stop being a big, immature, stupid baby and (4) you and only you, are responsible for your current reality – no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you.

Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be ticked off at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve. If you want to destroy your potential, your enthusiasm, your optimism and your hope, then become a chronic Parent Blamer. Hang on to that hurt, no matter what! Or you could let me save you some serious time and pain and just believe me when I tell you that being a Parent Blamer is a pointless, destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy. And if you’re not careful, a waste of your life. It will destroy you from the inside out. It’s true; some people will die angry, bitter, resentful and tortured souls because they never found a way to let go of the self-perpetuated – yep, read that clearly, self-perpetuated – misery. When you’re still desperately holding on to emotional crap from years ago, it’s YOU that’s the problem. When you’re eighteen, twenty five, thirty five or fifty five and you’re still thinking, talking and behaving like a teenager who’s mad at their parents, you need a big reality check.

The only thing you can change about the past, is how you let it affect you now.

You may wanna read that again.

Over the years I have seen people who have blamed their parents for everything from their poor communication skills, dysfunctional relationships, destructive habits and violent behaviors, to their fat body and poor eating habits. What!!! Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviors and be responsible for your own existence? Surely you feed yourself these days? Surely you have some control over what comes out of your mouth? And surely you can choose to do, be and create different in your world.

Perhaps your parents taught you how not to be?

Let me say that I totally understand that your parents weren’t always what they should or could have been for you as a child (caring, supportive, forgiving, understanding, loving, available, guiding, honest). You have my sympathy and understanding but you’re not alone. You’re in a very large majority. The problem with parents is that they’re flawed and that whole ‘being human’ thing kind of gets in the way of parental perfection. If only parents were cyborgs.

Today’s blog is the result of an ridiculous amount of recent conversations I’ve had with people who are hell-bent on blaming their parents for every aspect of their own miserable and dysfunctional existence. Sometimes the anger, the resentment and dare I say, the absolute hatred, that people hang on to (for decades) amazes and saddens me.

The parental blame game is a slippery slope of self-pity, self-destruction and futility that’s played by far too many people to their own detriment. It’s a game you’re advised to avoid. Take My advice. I used to be you!


Pastor DK

4 comments:

  1. This was something else PastorDK lol! The blame game started In The Beginning when Adam told God, "it was the woman YOU gave me", so it's no surprise that it continues today.

    If our children are ungrateful, godless and parent-blaming then at some point we need to look in the mirror; have we actually done what Proverbs 22:6 says, to train them up in the way that they should go? We may think that we have, but in reality many of us lived with the same characteristics that our children are now exhibiting! Maybe I should speak for myself lol.

    I do understand where you are coming from and going Pastor, and I also think that if your grown child is "acting out", then we should do as the bible teaches us, and pray for them. Many times we are to blame, but instead of being accountable we get angry and lash out. That's not the answer. 1 Peter 4:8 states, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins". Even though Adam was disobedient towards God, and then blamed God for his actions, God punished then He did the ultimate...forgave him. That's love.

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog. Keep on writing, it's been awhile. :-)

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